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i am agitated, I am lonely and depressed. I want to be honest here. I want to stop this facade. I have always been one to hide my tears and to blame everything on myself but I’ve had enough. I want to move on. I want to not be alone but I always end up being alone. In the end humans are humans. They err and they seek only their selfishness. I am no exception. I sought my own selfish desires and this is the result. I honestly don’t know how to stand up again. One thing is piling up over another. Just when you know what to do with the first problem, you get crushed by the next one.
In my case, these things had been inside me for a long time, rotting. I knew from the beginning that I should not have allowed that. Now, I am feeling the sensation of being torn apart. I tried asking for help but no one noticed. Well, some people did notice me. But, they are the type of people I do not wish to burden.
I know I cannot carry the world on my shoulders. I knew that from the beginning. And yet, I have no choice. No matter how painful things were I needed to smile.
"Everything is okay."
"You don’t need to worry about me."
Lies! I hate myself. Why do I need to endure this pain everyday. I couldn’t do this anymore. To be in a world where only pain existed. I want to stop running but if I do that everything will collapse. I made a promise that I won’t allow other people to ever feel that same pain.
I was the one who drew my blade. I cut down everyone around me. This is all for the sake of my purposes. I could kill all my emotions just to fulfill my purpose and forget the fact that I’m all alone. In the end I was always alone.
For the past days, I have been crying myself to sleep. I thought that just by expressing these unneeded emotions I could go on. But I couldn’t.
I want to stop this facade now. But I can’t. I don’t know how.
I just had to be honest with my self.
I am very disappointed. I thought for sure that my plans would work out. You see, I am quite sly, And I thought that with all my subtlety, I could manipulate a lot of people.
Well, shame on me.
I was sure that everything will work the way I planned it all. I gues, I was wrong. It really is true that humans can’t be put in a box of stereotypes. I can’t say that the path I’m taking is the same for all people.
I’m just saddened that there really are a few people who has the same perspective as I am. Very few people.
I can’t blame them. I really can’t.
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